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if its a secret don't tell family...

So my mom and I went to see the Nutcracker on the 20th. After the show we went to dinner. At dinner my mom mentioned that she and my dad were contemplating leaving AZ and taking jobs elsewhere. I told her, do what you need to do. Mainly, because I am hoping to enter nursing school in 2011, which means I will be leaving Phoenix (either for Flagstaff, Tucson or out of state). So I honestly, don't really care.

Today, my mom was looking up states to see what it would take to convert her teaching and administrative certificates. Most states she could go too with a pretty simple convert.

Okay. Cool.

Well on the way to dinner, I mention it to my brother. I should mention in advance that my brother has been living at home for the past two years, mooching off of my parents. He has been unemployed for about a year and has made little (to no) effort to find a job. This is important to know.

Well my brother, being that he knows so much about my parents finances and the world at large (pardon me while I roll my eyes), is like "mom and dad can't afford to move" "mom and dad couldn't find jobs" "mom and dad...". Mainly he is just pulling crap out of his butt. We get to the restuarant and I call him on his selfishness. From my POV he is making these excuses because he doesn't want them to move, knowing he can't "mooch" off of them, unless he moves too.

He gets pissed and leaves. I get inside and (I don't even know he has left at this point) tell my parents the deal. The next thing I know I'm getting bitched out by my mom. I'm like WTH. Seriously, if you didn't want this to be discussed and you wanted this "possibility" to remain a secret you SHOULDN'T HAVE FRICKIN TOLD ME!!!!!

Hello, why would I think that this isn't something to talk about with my siblings!!!!!!

I swear sometimes my parents are stupid. My mom is all like 'I just started looking this morning'. I mention "BTW you told me about it after the Nutcracker'. Deer caught in headlights, she immediately starts to backtrack and make up lame ass excuses. (Again pardon me while I roll my eyes).

And to my mom-seriously could you drop the whole Christmas day planned terrorist attack! OMG she has been bitching about the new security measures for the last 4 days! I kid you not. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch... It is getting so old. She has said that same crap for 4 days and I might lose my fricking mind!

Yes, I think their "new and improved" rules are stupid. Yes, I think they (the airlines, government, whoever) will have a lawsuit on their case, but seriously I don't need to hear you talk about the same thing for 4 days!

So I went into work yesterday and was feeling pretty crappy. As soon as I got to work, I got sick in the restroom. My boss told me to go home. I was like "no I didn't want to call in and screw you". She was like "after being yelled at my so and so's dad and this and this's dad, I don't want a sick person here". Okay, went to urgent care where I was diagnosed with stomach flu, quite lovely. I get to return to work tomorrow. Thankfully, I'm feeling better. I haven't had any "issues" since yesterday. I've just been sleeping and relaxing (even reading a book) for the last two days.

My parents were going to go on a cruise in June/July, that has been put off. Thank god! I couldn't afford to do it. Neither could anyone else in the family. I suggested we wait until 2011, after both my brother and SIL's graduation and then we could do it before I head off to nursing school. My mom thought it was a good plan. I also put in my two cents for Eastern Caribbean, as I've done the western twice now. I'm all about the Virgin Islands and the Bahamas.

Christmas Day

Well thankfully the day is almost over. Why is Christmas day always so long?

My SIL wasn't a pain today. Thank goodness!

I know that Christmas isn't about the presents, but I must admit that I'm a little disppointed. My mom called the other day and was asking me what jewelry I had from the Jane Seymour open hearts collection and I was kind of hoping that she would get me something, she didn't.

I don't want to sound greedy, but even at 30 I truly find it annoying that my parents favor certain children over others. It is truly annoying. I think doing that is a reason kids are pitted against each other. My parents have had a habit of favoring my brothers (especially my middle one) for the last like 5 years. God I sound like a five year old. Hence why I'm venting on here instead of in person. LOL.

You know, I'm not going to tell myself that my feelings are dumb, because they aren't. They are my feelings and I'm allowed to have them. I'm allowed to feel the way I feel and it isn't for anyone to tell me otherwise.

I guess I feel like I put so much thought into what I get my family members. I really try to find things that are truly special. I feel like they don't give a crap the time I spent really trying to find them this gift. It's like "oh thanks".

On a happier note, I'm going to take my little "sisters" to see the chipmunks sequal tomorrow. I'm truly a big kid at heart. LOL. It should be fun. I've got a giftcard. So yeah!

Enough talk about my crazy family.

I just finished reading a booked A Great and Terrible Beauty. It's actually a young adult novel but it is really good. It is part of a trilogy. I found the last book at Target and started reading and then noticed that it was the last book and I was like "oh gotta read the other ones". I am going to have to buy Rebel Angels (the 2nd book) tomorrow. I can get the last book The Sweet Far Thing at Target. I also want to read The Blind Side. I just found a copy of The Nanny Diaries, so I might start reading that. I enjoyed the movie. Hopefully the book will be good. I think what I might start doing is keeping a list of all the books I read next year and see how many it is. I should make a guess of how many I will read next year.

My guess is that I will read 50 books next year.

I'm really into the show Glee. That is such a great show! Since I was a choir geek I love it. The rumor is that Idina Menzel is set to guest star for the remainder of the season either as the Vocal Adrenaline coach or Rachel's mom. I'm so excited! Ironically Lea Michele (Rachel) and Idina look very similiar.

Christmas Eve blues?

So one would think that Christmas Eve would be joyful. Yeah, it usually is, but not this year.

I've been having "issues" with my SIL for the last year. Now, don't get me wrong, I like her. That is about the extent of it. On some days I feel like I'm just "tolerating" her. I feel I have to excuse her stupidity for her age (25). Sometimes I feel like she just doesn't know any better.

Basically the last year she has had, for lack of a better term, a stick up her butt. Dealing with her constant mood changes and downright bitchiness has been difficult. Today was no exception.

My mom told me that my SIL and brother would be coming over for lunch tomorrow at 12. Okay, cool. Well tonight at my aunts house I mention that mom said 12. My brother is like "no, mom said 12:30". Okay. Well mom comes back into the room and he asks and she says 12:30. My brother and SIL both say to me "told you so". I'm like WTF! I then say "all I said was that mom told me 12, why are you making such a big deal out of this". My SIL then is like "you're making the big deal out of it". I then replied "I'm ready to bitch slap someone". She then walks out muttering crap under her breath. I'm just pissed. I decide then that I'm leaving, that I don't have the energy to put up with my SIL.

This isn't our first "incident". The last time was the weekend of Thanksgiving. All my mom wanted for Christmas was a picture of me, my brothers and my SIL (although to be honest I didn't want her in the picture, she isn't my blood and that is all I wanted, but I appeased my mom). Well I arrange with my brother and SIL to get the picture done on Saturday at 12. Well, the day comes and they arrive 5 minutes late and they are both pissed off and don't even say hi to me. I ask my other brother what their deals are and he tells me that they are annoyed because they don't want to be there and they have a bunch of homework to do. Well that ticked me off because I asked them and they confirmed. They knew what their schedule (work and homework wise) was better than me! I then say to my SIL, "I asked you guys and you said it was okay, don't blame me" (Basically I felt this tension and anger coming from them directed at me because I had made the appointment time). She then says something about needing to get homework done on some BS and storms off.

This was the one time that my mom actually didn't "defend" their behavior. I called her in tears. I apologized for the pictures possibly looking bad because my brother and SIL were in piss poor moods. My mom said, you can't control their behavior, you asked them, they agreed to the day and time.

My mom, of course, defends my SIL. She defends every rude and bitchy comment that my SIL makes to me. It is quite frustrating. I'm like "when did I disappear and she become your daughter, your flesh and blood, the child you gave birth too?"

I can't even talk to my mom about how I'm feeling, because in my mom's mind, if she doesn't "agree" with how you are feeling, then your feelings "don't exist". So there is no point. She will tell me that I'm "not allowed" to feel this way.

I'm just so tired of my SIL. I'm tired of her age be an excuse for her stupidity.

I understand that it's my brothers wife, but I would never allow my husband to treat my brothers the way my SIL treats me. With the utter disrespect, rude comments and behavior and bitchy attitude. I'm sorry, my brothers are my blood, my husband would be just that, my husband. I obviously expect too much from my brother.

I obviously expect too much from my family in general.

I know she doesn't really like me, I have a feeling it's because I do have a strong and opinionated personality. As I've gotten older and I'm more comfortable with people, I have no problem "fighting" back and telling them that I'm not putting up with their crap. I don't think she is used to that. I think she is a spoiled little princess who is used to people agreeing with her and placating her every whim and behavior. I'm just like "don't think so". My job isn't to placate you.

In a way it kind of makes me upset that I spent a great deal of money (almost 50 bucks, which when you are working a part time 10 buck an hour job and have about 550 in bills a month, it's alot) on her Christmas present. I know stupid. She just annoys me. I don't know why I bother. I try to do nice stuff for her and I barely get a thank you. I helped her with a final for her class, I gave her the lessons, I have her the writing prompt. I told her what standards to use and how to justify what she was doing. Her thanks was incredibly forced. It was like "why did I have to come to you for help". She actually called my mom for help, but since she was about to leave, I was the "next best thing". What's stupid is that my mom hasn't been in a classroom in like 4 years, where I've only been out of a classroom for (of and on) 5 months.

God, if I had the money, I seriously would just up and leave. There really is nothing keeping me in Arizona. Yes, my grandfather and other grandparents are here, but I'm not as close to them as I was my grandmother (who died in Oct 05). I'm just so tired of everything going on right now. I just need a change. I guess that is why I'm definately looking at nursing schools out of state (not that I have many choices since there are only two in state).

Oh great my parents are home, I wonder how much crap I'm going to get. Wow, shocked they haven't started in on me. But it's still early. :D

an update

One of my good friends reminded me that I haven't updated this in a while, I told her I would do it by the weekend.:D.
God, so much has happened since March.
Do a little breakdown.

Home-well it's ironically not in foreclosure yet. Go figure. I was going to short sale this summer but had some issues with the realtor. I do have a new realtor and the house should be on the market within the next week. I left her a message yesterday saying "go ahead". The house is going up for sale for about $105,000 less than the mortgage. Great fun! I guess B of A has been getting really "mean" during this recession and is trying to come after people for the difference. The realtor said that I do have the fact that this is an anti-deficiency state and that I haven't taken out a second mortgage or refinced or anything of the sort. I'm still on the first and original mortgage. I find it completely irony that B of A is pulling crap like that when I spoke to them they were all about me short saling it and not having to foreclose. A foreclosure "hurts" them more than a short sale. Oh well. Banks are stupid. Anyways, hopefully the home won't be on the market long, especially since I have to call the bank (or my insurance agent) about insurance on the house. I wish I could just have the people who look at it sign a waiver saying "I won't sue the homeowner because I'm a moron and trip down the stairs" (because yeah somehow that would be my fault). I won't be able to afford insurance very long.

Job- I got a job at the end of April working at La Petite Academy. Prior to getting the job I went to the great Arizona teach in and dropped of resumes. I really wasn't keeping my hopes high for a teaching job considering Arizona has massively cut funding to schools and schools were laying of teachers for the 09-10 school year. On June 2, I got a call for an interview at a charter school in Mesa. Went to the interview and actually got the job. I left the daycare in July and then started the new job after I got back from vacation. Well, that didn't work out. I missed the entire first week of training as I was admitted to the hospital (for severe dehydration). I then started work, not really knowing the curriculum or expectations of me. My grade level chair was "expected" to "teach" me the ropes, but the really didn't happen.
On 9/17/09 we had to have a curriculum night. The parents then went back to the rooms with us and we went over the curriculum again. Well, I had a list of what to say, I completely forgot everything. I kind of just winged it. I felt bad and on 9/18 when I got to work wanted to talk to the director about it. She wasn't available. Well that afternoon, with like maybe 20 minutes left in the school day, I'm called and told that I am to be at a meeting with the director at 3pm. Okay. I show up and am fired. Yup, you read that right, they fired me. What's even better is their reasons for firing me. 1) I told a coworker that something 'sucked', not even in the presence of children. 2) they didn't like that I "forgot" what to do on curriculum night. 3) my grade level chair didn't like that my room wasn't "perfect" for curriculum night (I had work sitting out on their desks). 4) I just wasn't fitting their "mold" of a teacher. I was crying. I was like are you fricking kidding me. The thing was, while I was somewhat happy, I really wasn't meshing well with the curriculum, expectations or what the school was about. Heck, the day before I was fired, my grade level chair went and changed my grades. Yes, you read that right, changed my grades. They weren't "high" enough so she changed grades and gave kids more points so that they would all be getting A's and B's. I was like "what the hell does that tell parents". So these parents thought their kid was doing great when it reality they didn't have a clue what the hell they were doing.
In the end it was for the best. My cousin, Pattie, had her son Matthew there and they ended up pulling him from school. This school had a great reputation in my mind prior to me working there and now I can't say a single good thing about it.
Well the day that I got fired, I called La Petite again and spoke to the director. Since I was kept in the system as a "sub", they just had to give me hours again. They were in the need for someone, so it worked out.

I will only be there until the 15th of January as school starts the following week. The bookstore at the college, which I used to work at, well the manager said she would hire me back for rush, so that is something. She couldn't "guarantee" a job after that. I figure I'll also look into tutoring, considering I'm a certified teacher. I'm also going to look into subbing on the days that I don't have class, as I can make more subbing for 7.5 hours than I can working at the daycare for 7.5 hours.

School- I was working on my educational leadership degree from NAU but I just got tired of that degree and of NAU. I'm now going back to school for nursing (as I mentioned in March). I'm going to be going full time next semester, well almost I'm taking two science classes and a psy class. I was, at first, going to go to Scottsdale and then continue working at the daycare, but I decided that I needed to do what is best for me. What is best for me is to go to South Mountain, by my house. Plus, the time offerings were better. The drive to work, with school is a killer. I was only taking two classes this semester and it was hell. I usually work a 9:30-6:30 shift and I have to leave my house about 8:45 and don't get home until 7. It was really hard with school. I felt like I had no time to do anything. I would come home and eat and then I would relax. It was tough.

I'm looking at NAU and U of A for in state schools and then some out of state schools for nursing. I'm looking at a school in Texas, California, Utah and I believe Washington. I'm also highly considering joining the Navy. They are the only branch that will pay for me to go to nursing school. I then have a 3-6 year committment (I say that because one recruiter said 3, another said 6, once I physically meet with one, I'll get more definate answer). All I know is that for 3 years I'm at a training hospital (Walter Reed, some other one on the east coast or the Naval hospital in San Diego). My parents prefer San Diego because 1) it's closer and 2) they love San Diego and I'd be an excuse to visit. But this is a ways away as I can't even apply for nursing school until Jan 2011.

Oh gotta get ready for work. I'll have to update more later.

no job yet.....

but I'm hanging in there. I say that with modesty because it has been hard. I'm down to my last 500 bucks. My house will be going into foreclosure, probably in the next month or so. It sucks, but what can I do? Stay at the hell hole job where I was degraded daily by students and made to feel worthless by administration? Hmm, let me think about that for a 1/2 second. No. I've just got to keep chucking away, taking it one day at a time. I did get a call from a university that I put my Vita in to to teach at and they called on Friday saying they would like to speak to me. Even if I don't get the teaching position, it is nice to feel a bit vindicated. You know that someone finally took notice of my hard work.

The problem I have been facing while searching for jobs is that I'm either way overqualified or way underqualified. It sucks. I'm worried about next school year, since Arizona is retarded and wouldn't know how to responsibily spend money if hell was freezing over, so they fix their problems on the back of education. My last district is thinking about losing over 100 positions. Scottsdale Unified is cutting 200+ jobs, Mesa Unified is cutting 300+ and Winslow is laying off all their first year teachers. At this point, living in AZ is just going to get worse. And nothing is being done. Gotta love the state, who single-handedly is causing, my guess, over 2000 teachers (across the state) to lose their jobs. Too bad you can't sue a state for their stupidity. LOL. That would be cool. So needless to say, I'm trying to stay optimistic, but I'm failing miserably.

I have decided to go back to school for my original undergraduate major, which was nursing. I'm taking psych 101 now. Totally sucks. I hate it. Too bad I didn't pay attention when I was an undergrad. It sucks because the class, is, how do I put this, elementary. It's online, but I can tell the class is really geared towards those.....stupid 18 year olds, fresh out of high school. And here I am, 30, with a masters, taking psych 101. LOL. It is pretty funny. I had a essay due last night, I totally wrote it like I would a graduate paper. APA, double spaced, a running head, cover page, the works; but that is what I'm used to doing. The essay was about critical thinking (think Bloom's Taxonomy). As a student who has done quite a lot within their education, critical thinking is like innate, it just happens. I don't know how I'll be graded on the essay, I'm sure the professor will be like "okay".

Anyways, I just need to take Chemistry and A & P to get the pre-req's out of the way to apply for the community colleges. Now if I don't get in there, I will continue taking the pre-req's and actually try for the U of A program. They have a 16 month program, it is for people who already have a BA/BS. The kicker is, if you get accepted and agree to work in a Tucson hospital for 3 years, your BS is nursing is free. Can't get much better than that.

Not that I don't love teaching, but I'm just fed up with the politics of it. I get that all professions have politics, but.....I don't know. It's really hard to put into words my frustration with education. I know that alot of my frustation does come from living in AZ. Its hard working in a job that you really do enjoy, that is treated like pond scum by the state.

I guess one good thing has come out of my not working, I'm getting to read more. LOL. In like the last month I have read The Lady Elizabeth, Dewey, Marley & Me and Family Trust. I am now reading The Secret Between Us and will then read The Secret Bride. God bless the library!!! I just need to find like a list of books to read and start going through the list. Oh, and I'm reading the lovely psych 101 text on top of all that. LOL. Reading is what I now do to occupy my time, (aside from class, and job hunting).

My dog probably thinks its a good thing that I don't work. He is completely spoiled. He sleeps upstairs in my room. He has tried to sleep in the bed with me (I have a queen). I usually kick him off, I've only once let him stay on and it was because I was so dead dog tired that I just didn't have the energy. I just laid down on the other "half" of the bed and zonked. He actually stayed next to me the whole night. LOL. He also does that when he knows that I'm upset or not feeling good. He lays near me on the floor. Thankfully, unlike Dalon, he doesn't snore. Nope, instead Cooper, likes to pass a lot of "silent but deadly" gas. It's wonderful. I remember getting up once last week, at like 2 in the morning, thinking that cat did her business somewhere upstairs because it smelled so bad. I then walked out to the loft area and discovered it was the dog. I was like "holy crap, he stunk up the place". All I could do was turn on all the fans. LOL. So my dog has gas problems. LOL. But he's cute.

Need Job

I resigned from my job.

I know shocker, but I think it was a long time coming.

On Wednesday 1/28 I spoke to my principal and AP2. We discussed how I was doing, in the classroom, mentally and emotionally. I was very honest with what I told them. They could tell that I wasn't doing well and that I was struggling through the days. They supported my wanting to resign and said they would back me up. I officially handed in my resignation on the 29th. Well on Friday the 30th I had a meeting with the principal, AP2 and the HR director. It wasn't a great meeting. HR called me unprofessional (fine) and that I should consider "leaving teaching". That pissed me off. I was appalled that HR was being so rude considering they were so supportive when I spoke to them and principal in December. HR then said they didn't know how to "handle" my crying. (Well I'm just an emotional person and I was getting attacked, what did they expect).
I was asked to leave the room and they spoke privately, during the intervening time I wrote all my feelings out on paper (very cathartic). I was brought back in 15 minutes later and told that a decision would be made over the weekend and to come in on Monday for a meeting. They would give me the rest of the day off since they "didn't know" how the meeting would turn out.
I spent the whole weekend a nervous wreck (it also didn't help that I ran out of my anti-depressant on Thursday and CVS couldn't get a hold of the doctors office to get my prescription refilled).
Hey at least I had a great time watching the SuperBowl GO CARDINALS! They did awesome even though we lost.
Anyways. I went to school on Monday and the first thing that made me realize that something was up was the fact that someone had packed up my classroom over the weekend.
I went into my meeting (this time with my union rep). My resignation was approved, my certificate wouldn't be taken away (like the district wouldn't go after it) the kicker was that my keys were to be turned in that day and my classroom cleaned out. Now this is all coming from HR. I had no problem turning in my keys but told HR that I couldn't just have my dad drop everything to help me clean out the room and that it would have to be done on Tuesday (this didn't make HR happy but too bad).
When I asked them about the room being packed up all claimed "ignorance" to it. I truly believe the AP2 had no clue, but I truly believe HR and possibly my principal knew that the room was packed up. Well at least HR since they demanded that I be gone that day.
I was very surprised by the outcome. I definately was glad that my resignation was accepted but I figured that I would either be given 2 weeks or that I would have to stay until a placement was found for me.
When I went to get my stuff on Tuesday, my AP2 asked how I was doing I told him that I was feeling a bit confused. He admitted that they were too and that they didn't expect what had happened. I honestly feel a bit bad because I didn't get a chance to finish up any of the things that I needed to finish up (i.e. IEPs).

I am a much happier person right now. I'm not having to go to a job that I detested going to everyday and had to force myself to put a smile on my face and pretend I wanted to be there. The pretense was fading though.

Yes, I don't have a job right now. Yes, it sucks. But I'm lucky, my parents have been super supportive. I will most likely have to either sale or foreclose on the house and move back home. But what can I do? I'm sorry staying in a job where I was verbally and mentally abused my obnoxious teenagers was not a healthy environment. (Although the district should be glad that I didn't have any of the kids arrested. There is a Revised Statute that says if a teacher is abused (leaves abuse open to definition) that the person abusing the teacher is guilty of a class 3 misdemeanor).

I'm not worried about finding a job next year. I just would really like to find something to help pay my bills. I can't say that I want to mooch off my parents. Moving back home is one thing expecting them to pay my bills is something else entirely.

All in a day's work. LOL.

saturday

I am so glad that this is a 3 day weekend. I need a break. Especially since yesterday started out good but ended badly.
I have 4 administrators, my principal and AP1, AP2 and AP3. Well AP3 (which I will be saying instead of a name or sex), IMPO, doesn't like me, more like she "tolerates" me because I have a contract. I can say that I don't "trust" here as much as AP2. The problem is that AP3 seems to tell me different things, one minute AP3 tells me one thing the next something completely different. It is annoying and confusing. It hit a head yesterday. I sent AP3 a very nice email, just telling about information I had found out and passing it along and essentially "washing my hands" of it. AP3 sent me an email reply, which was beyond rude. At first I was dumbfounded. I never expected AP3 to sent such a rude email to me. My dumbfoundedness quickly went to slightly pissed to furious. I was so mad that I was crying. I immediatly marched my cute butt up to the office to speak to my principal. I had had it. I was (and am) of AP3 treating me like crap. I don't deserve being treated the way AP3 is treating me. Unfortunately my principal wasn't there and neither was AP1 (which I wouldn't have felt comfortable talking too) or AP2. AP3 was there but somewhere on campus, I was told my the secretary I could talk to AP3, but considering AP3 is the problem I declined. I went back to my room and emailed my principal and told him that I needed to meet with him regarding an urgent matter on Tuesday. I am so tired of being stepped on walked all over. The witch is coming out! The teacher/person I was last year who wouldn't take crap laying down is out again.

hmm

Long journal entry here I come (gotta update y'all)

I'm happy that the first semester is over. It has been a long and tough semester. I got my review right before Thanksgiving and I sat in the meeting for an hour and I was basically told that I sucked. It was awesome. I was given no positive feedback. I've been put on improvement plans before, but the previous times I was at least told "you are doing this well, we need to improve on this".

It didn't help that at the time I was getting this horrible review I was having serious issues with the students in my class (I can't even say how many times I was called a b**** by my students). And here is the kicker, I had finally lost my patience with one girl and told her to "shut up". I got reprimanded for it, yet she had told me to "shut the f*** up" and called me a "b****" (numerous times) and was basically given a slap on the wrist. Something is wrong with the discipline in a school when that is happening. I even said that at my review and their response was "well your the adult". I was like are you kidding me. I just sat there and cried I was so mad. I couldn't believe they were justifying this students behavior and reprimanding me for telling her to "shut up". Because you know telling a student to "shut up" is so "detrimental" to their "psyche". What about the teachers psyche?

While all this is going on, I was also coaching Freshmen Cheer. Which was just a pain in the first place. I was given a co-coach, not a person I would have picked because she is only 18. She just graduated from the high school I teach at in May. She is still in that "I'm 18, I know everything" mode. She doesn't know how to be a coach and not be their "bestest friend". I kind of just let her bs slide for most of the season. I put up with her babying the girls and doing stupid crap. It finally came to a head on December 5th. I was the one who was trying to get them ready for their competition on Dec. 6th. I was also the one who was having to relay all the bad news to them (1 quit, 2 were ineligible due to grades (and both quit) and 1 had to be removed). It sucked.

2 days before the competition S (not giving her full name) shows up and she starts changing things. The girls started complaining to me. I told them to talk to S. They didn't say anything to S. Friday rolls around and S shows up with like 30 minutes left in practice. She starts changing things again. I pulled her aside and all I intended to do was say "hey we shouldn't be doing this to them". The next thing I knew she was screaming at me saying "you did this and you did that". I immediately went on the defense and started calling her out and her crap (not the most mature thing to do I admit). We yelled at each other for like 5 minutes. The irony of this is that S claimed that I was always "yelling" at the girls, yet she was doing exactly what she accused me of doing to the girls, to me.

Needless to say I'm not coaching them anymore. I'm taking a break. I've talked to the atheletic director and head coach and I'm just chilling and helping when needed. If I go back to doing it, it will be strictly volunteer and I think I would want to work with JV. I bonded with the girls from JV over the summer, yet I never really bonded with the freshmen. While S couldn't accept this, I know it was due to age. Let's face it a 14 year old girl is going to much rather bond with an 18 year old who just graduated over a 29 year old who graduated 11 years ago. Plus, I'm good friends with the JV coach. We get along really well and as I said before I bonded with the girls. They all listen to me and take my advice and I just love them all to death. But I know that things had a reason for happening the way they did.

My brother and sister in law have been trying to get pregnant. I personally think they are stupid to be trying since my brother and SIL have complained multiple times that "finances are tight". To me it's like why would you bring a baby into the world when you can't even take care of yourself. I think they are more like "oh we are married we can do this" and not really thinking long term of how much a baby will 1) cost and 2) change thier lives.

My mom called on Christmas morning and very rudely demanded that I not mention "babies" in front of my SIL because she still wasn't pregnant. I was like "are you kidding me". My dad called me about 15 minutes later. We talked about how I am constantly being told that I can't share things that are going well in my life for fear of hurting my brothers feelings. He suggested talking to my mom, but I don't think it will accomplish anything by talking to her.

I love my mom, but when I tell her about my feelings, even if I keep saying "this is how I feel" "I feel this" "I feel that", she gets defensive and starts telling that I'm not "allowed" to feel that way. So nothing gets resolved because I just don't tolerate people telling me that I'm not allowed to feel the way I'm feeling. (confusing)

Although my parents are supporting me on my decision to apply to the Department of Defense. They have teaching positions throughout the United States (actually the World). I'm applying for the states though right now. As of right now the openings are all on the Southeast protion of the United States (Kentucky, Alabama, Georgia, North Carolina, South Carolina). We shall see what happens. I think it would be such a great experience to teach somewhere else and to work for the DOD.

I'm so glad that I'm still on winter break.
Ugh. I kind of don't understand people in the world today. Its like everyone has forgotton about others and is only out for themselves. I'm not saying that I don't get totally selfish at times, but without going to into details of the situation (you never know who is online reading your blog), it's called a "team" and it is called "teamwork" and to not have a particular team share with a team that doesn't have the supplies is just... I'm not sure.

My parents think I'm crazy for putting up with some of the stuff I put up with but I see the changes that have occured. Yes at times I do bitch and complain, but honestly who doesn't complain about shit going on at work at times? Crap comes down and sometimes you need to complain.

I hate to say that I'm already looking forward to fall break, hell I was looking forward to fall break the first week of school. I think that is so sad. I have never felt that way about work before. I feel some overwhelmed. A new school, a new grade level, a new "job" position. It is craziness. Honestly at times I wonder if I am going to survive the school year. Seriously, on the 3rd day of school I was so overwhelmed that I was ready to just walk away and I have never wanted to do that before. This labor day weekend has been a much needed "3 day weekend". Probably because it makes the school week shorter. He he. Everything I know, everything I have previously taught doesn't help me right now. I am like a fish out of water.

I guess I'm also looking forward to fall break because I am going out of town. That is going to be nice. The only "downer" I guess is that my parents, who I'm going with, both snore to the high heavens. I figure it is called an Ipod and earplugs. I also plan on bringing a ton of "nasal" stuff (i.e. breath right strips, vapor rub, etc...) to make the sleeping more enjoyable (i.e. I actually get to sleep, lol).

I met a teacher at my school who was actually a student teacher at my high school my senior year (but I guess he was there the last two years of my high school experience doing all his observation work). I thought it was pretty funny, especially when I had absolutely no recollection of him in the first place. Funnily enough he said that he helped with our senior year musical. We had a trip down memory lane. He then was like "you should take over the choir at our school".

I actually looked into it, but I don't have the methods courses required for the endorsement in music. he then told me that because music isn't a "core subject' under NCLB that you don't have to be "highly qualified". I approached my principal and he said that he could have me teach a section, But I'm not sure if he is talking the 09/10 school year or in the spring. I kind of hope it is in the spring since a few kids came up to me wanting to sponser a choir club but since I have a prior committment after school, I'm not able to do it. I feel really bad for these kids because they were devastated when choir was cancelled. Although choir wasn't cancelled for me in high school, I completely get how they feel because I would have felt the same way.

Its really hard not comparing my high school experience with what I imagine this high school to be. I have to be aware that my high school was in a different era (lets face it 11 years ago when I graduated and 15 years ago when I started high school) are totally different than now. All the restrictions and scrutiny placed on teachers and schools wasn't as prevelant then as it is now. Honestly I think I was lucky to go to high school when I did.

Tuesday

So at the encouragement from someone I went to high school with, I joined Eharmony last year. It's been okay. I've met some nice guys, but none have progressed (which is fine). Anyways, on Friday I got an email saying that "so and so from Eharmony" had sent me a communication. I check it out and OMG this guy looks exactly like this guy that I went to high school with that I was totally in love with! The resemblance is totally uncanny. But the thing is I haven't seen this guy in like 8 years so I really couldn't tell. I tried asking him, but I didn't want to go right out and say "are you this guy?". I was like "you look familiar have we met?" He said no. But I really can't say much to that because if I can't recognize him after 8 years, what makes me think he would recognize me. Anyways, today I sent him an email and I was like "this is about me" and I mentioned where I went to high school. So if we did go to high school together that should click when he reads it and say "I went to that high school". It doesn't matter either way, it's just that he looks so like him. And since the guy from high school was my first "love", of course you will always hope, in the back of your mind, that it might work out. LOL. I even had my mom log in to my eharmony account and she couldn't tell. But then she started checking out the other guys and was like "he's cute, email him back". LOL.

I'm depressed that gas is over 4 bucks a gallon, especially since I stupidly traded in my gallant in September and got a tribute (SUV). I'm really kicking myself in the butt. I actually tried to trade it in for a focus, but my credit score for getting a car loan isn't high enough. It didn't help that I was an authorized user on my parents discover card (I was put on it to help get my mortgage) and all the bank saw was the debt and my name. They didn't know that I'm an authorized user. Either way, I cancelled my account with discover. I'll just give my parents the checks for my portion of what I've put on the card. My plan to raise my score is to pay off two more credit cards (one just got paid off) and go back in about a month and try to trade in again. My biggest thing is that I don't want to go much higher, car payment wise, than I am paying right now. I also don't want my parents to co-sign. They had to do that with the Gallant and while I never faulted, they shouldn't have to do that for me. I actually spoke to someone from Ford yesterday and told him my plan and he said that it was a good idea (but he is a sales manager so of course he wants my business, even if it is in a month or so).

I'm trying to limit the amount of driving I am doing, but what is hurting is cheer practice. My new work is 19 miles away from home and practice is 4 days a week at school. So right there I'm putting 38 miles a day on my car. I'm only getting 22 miles to the gallon. I think I'm going to have to sit down with the head coach and talk to her about only attending two practices a week. Maybe the morning ones since then I don't have to use the AC (which does help a bit on saving gas). I'm just not sure I can keep doing the 38 miles 4 days a week, when I'm not working, which means I'm not getting a steady paycheck. The other four coaches, all live close by. It will be different during the school year because practice would be right after work, plus I'd kind of be getting paid. I'm just, honestly scared to talk to her. Mainly because she wanted me to attend summer practices to see if I "meshed" well with the girls and the other coaches. I guess she has had coaching issues. My thing is, I want to coach freshman and JV and Varsity are the ones practicing and I get along really well with the girls. They respect me as a coach. We laugh and we goof off, but then we can be serious. They listen to me, it's just hard because I'm not "official", the same with the fifth coach. It's like we are "trying out" to be freshman coaches.

It's not that I don't want to be there, it's just that eventually my money is going to run out and I won't be getting a paycheck agian until August. It's going to get harder. I've got bills to pay other than gas. Ugh!